10th September

Right old stink since last report old boy; it seems it was Carruthers who had bought up all the weekly rag. Seems the blighter had taken them all down to the allotments to try and dispose of the ‘evidence’. He decided to light a small bonfire behind a potting shed which turned out to be the general’s wife’s; right next to her compost heap. Silly arse hadn’t looked to see what the last thing was that the fearsome lady had deposited on there. Turns out old boy that she had been cutting all the dead shoots from last years herbaceous border and it only took one spark and the whole bloody heap was ablaze! Well that soon spread to the potting shed itself and then the wooden fence running up the side of the allotments, before he could do anything about it the large garage with the general’s staff car, six tanks, three lorries, four small Landrovers and the vicar’s bicycle was well alight. No-one’s quite sure what the vicars bicycle was doing in there but we think it may have been something to do with Mrs. Peabody, she’s been seen coming and going at the vicarage at some very strange times of the day and night. She has her convertible car in the next garage and that was missing at the time. Bit of skullduggery there I feel! The fire crew turned up and started spraying water in all places and put his original bonfire out before the papers had had a chance to burn! Of course some bright spark happened to notice the picture on the front page and now the pictures are on every notice board on camp! Down at the bottom end of the camp where the road bends sharply around the sergeants mess; going away from camp the ‘bend’ sign has been painted with the words ‘not bloody likely’ and the other way the sign has ‘Carruthers, ridden again!’ Carruthers was last seen in the fetal position in the back of one of those wreckers parked behind the parade ground gibbering about mummy so the story goes. No one’s seen Carstairs since, damned poor show I say.
Field telephone is ringing corporal, need to go, over and out.